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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27564991">I'm only brave when I have to be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvermoongirl10/pseuds/silvermoongirl10'>silvermoongirl10</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Exists in a delicate balance [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Master &amp; Padawan Relationship(s), Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi can be too self sacrificing, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan is turning Qui-Gon's hair grey, Original Character Death(s), Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Qui-Gon Jinn, Survivor Guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:55:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,261</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27564991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvermoongirl10/pseuds/silvermoongirl10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>'While his Padawan had many strengths, his main weakness was that he was too self-sacrificing. And Qui-Gon was determined that he would not lose his child to something that could have been avoided, he would see his child Knighted and live a long and happy life.'</p><p>Qui-Gon is left standing in horror as he can only watch as his fourteen-year-old Padawan is caught up in a mudslide, he is left wondering can he save his young Padawan before it is too late?</p><p>(Set when Obi-Wan is a Padawan aged 14.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dooku &amp; Obi-Wan Kenobi, Feemor &amp; Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; Original Jedi Character(s), Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn &amp; Obi-Wan Kenobi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Exists in a delicate balance [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978357</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>277</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hope you enjoy this newest instalment of this verse, this should be three chapters long. This fic came from a reference I made in <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26956474/">One with the Force</a> and was also referenced in chapter six of <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106777/chapters/66191191/">Everything the Light Touches</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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<p></p><div><p>Qui-Gon sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Standing before him was his soaking wet, bedraggled looking Padawan. His fourteen-year-old Padawan just stared up at him with wide innocent eyes, as water dripped down his face and off the end of his Padawan braid, looking up at him with a look that indicated Obi-Wan didn't see anything wrong with his actions. While Qui-Gon was glad to see the Tooka kitten tucked safely under Obi-Wan's arm, he was not best pleased with Obi-Wan's method, which included taking an unexpected dive into a lake.</p><p>Two years with Obi-Wan as a Padawan and Qui-Gon swore he had gained more grey hairs in that time than he had previously in the same space of time. "Let's return your new friend to its mother and then return to our ship," he sighed.</p><p>As Qui-Gon walked away from the edge of the lake, with Obi-Wan walking behind him, murmuring soothing words to the young kitten. He smiled to himself, out of the two of them, he was more in tune with the Living Force, and usually the one to sense creatures in need. Today it was Obi-Wan's deep connection with the Unifying Force that enabled the rescue of the kitten. Before their departure after their mission, it was Obi-Wan's insistence that they needed to take a walk by the lake, allowed for them to be in the right place at the right time.</p><p>Once the kitten had been returned to a grateful mother, the two Jedi returned to their ship and set their course for the Temple. Once they were safely in hyperspace, Qui-Gon turned the pilot chair so he could face Obi-Wan, his arms crossed and a disapproving look on his face. He was glad to notice Obi-Wan look back at him sheepishly, perhaps his young Padawan could reflect on the danger he imposed on himself. Knowing his Padawan probably not.</p><p>"Obi-Wan. While I am glad for the safety of the kitten, I do not approve of you throwing yourself into the lake. You could have hit rocks and been seriously hurt," stated Qui-Gon, his voice was deep as he projected his disapproval down their training bond.</p><p>Obi-Wan sat up straight in his chair, ocean blue eyes meeting midnight blue eyes. "I am sorry Master, but I just had to act! I had a vision that showed it was important to go to the lake! The kitten could not swim and so I just acted-"</p><p>"Acted irresponsibly Padawan," interrupted Qui-Gon. "In the past three months you have put yourself in harm's way more times than I can count. That will <em>not</em> continue. Am I understood?"</p><p>"Yes Master," murmured Obi-Wan. The young boy looked down at his hands, his short braid, two years growing, swung just below his chin.</p><p>Qui-Gon hated to see his young Padawan looking so despondent, but he had to ensure Obi-Wan understood that he could not continue to put himself in harm's way so needlessly. While his Padawan had many strengths, his main weakness was that he was too self-sacrificing. And Qui-Gon was determined that he would not lose his child to something that could have been avoided, he would see his child Knighted and live a long and happy life. He reached out and with a finger resting under Obi-Wan's chin, he gently tilted his Padawan's head up so they were looking at each other.</p><p>"I just want you to be safe Padawan mine," he murmured. "I could not bear it if I lost you."</p><p>Obi-Wan directed a soft smile at him and then pulled himself out his co-pilot chair, then Qui-Gon found himself with an armful of Padawan. He chuckled as he hugged his boy close to him. "I'll be more careful Master. I promise," stated Obi-Wan seriously, his voice slightly muffled by Qui-Gon's robe. Qui-Gon rested his chin on Obi-Wan's head and his lips quirked up in a slight smile, he was gladdened by the promise, but he knew his Padawan and he knew it wouldn't be long until Obi-Wan was risking his life again.</p>
<hr/><p>After a restful month at the Temple, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were being sent out on another mission. This time with another Master and Padawan team. Master Trass Thyban, a human who was the same age as Qui-Gon with bright blonde hair and dark brown eyes, Qui-Gon had always gotten along with Trass and was glad that the Master joining he and his Padawan was someone he knew well. Trass's Padawan, was a human girl who was a year older than Obi-Wan, the two Padawans were friends, while not best friends, they were always happy to work together for lesson projects or as sparring partners. Padawan Rialni Agdix had striking black hair that was tied back in a small nerf tail and a Padawan braid just a little longer than Obi-Wan's, her green eyes often sparkled with humour and she was always smiling.</p><p>Qui-Gon was sat in the small mess of the ship Trass was piloting, he was reading the background information given to them for their mission.</p><p>Thirty years ago, the planet of Jafan suffered from multiple earthquakes which led to a humanitarian crisis where the Jafani people suffered from a lack of food and in some places contaminated water. Then to make matters worse, there were some government officials who used the crisis as an excuse for a power grab leading to a civil war. Once the crisis had been resolved with the help of the Jedi, it was agreed by the re-established government, that every five years, members of the Jedi Order would come to the planet to check on the planet. So, their current mission meant that they would have meetings with the government to see how the economy was improving, how new water sources were and how the production of food was going. Most importantly, they would be checking on the health of the population that had suffered greatly from the natural crisis and the civil war.</p><p>As he leaned back in his chair, his eyes landed on Obi-Wan and he frowned to himself. His Padawan was exhibiting signs that suggested he had been having visions. Obi-Wan could go weeks without visions, while other times he could have as many as twenty in one weeks. He always appeared tired and a little listless as his mind evaluated his vision. What worried Qui-Gon was that Obi-Wan always came and spoke to him about his visions, despite Qui-Gon being able to count his number of visions on one hand. However, Obi-Wan had not said a word and when Qui-Gon directly asked if Obi-Wan had had a vision, his was politely brushed off. <em>He is growing up, it is only normal that he would want to start keeping things to himself</em>, Qui-Gon told himself. As much as he told himself that, there was something telling him that there was something wrong. Obi-Wan had returned from his lessons the day before and had been subdued and had not engaged in any sort of conversation. So, Qui-Gon resolved to keep an eye on his Padawan, believing that if there was something seriously wrong, then Obi-Wan would come to him.</p>
<hr/><p>Within four days, Qui-Gon would wish with everything he had that he had asked Obi-Wan about the vision. It might have saved them both a lot of pain.</p>
<hr/><p>They had been on planet for three days and Qui-Gon's heart was light seeing the happy faces of the Jafani. He and Trass laughed freely seeing their Padawans run around and play with the young children who looked up at the Jedi Padawans with amazement shining in their eyes. The Jafani were typically taller than humans, but due to malnutrition, not all Jafani were a healthy height. The younglings came to Obi-Wan's and Rialni's waists, one particular youngling had attached herself to Obi-Wan, her light blue skin shone in the sunlight and whenever Qui-Gon looked at his Padawan, he would see little Eenda with her webbed fingers clutched in Obi-Wan's outer robe. Obi-Wan would rest a hand on Eedna's hairless head and would encourage the young Jafani to join in the games of other younglings as they ran around a green meadow with long wispy grass and a wide variety of flowers.</p><p>As Qui-Gon's and Trass's attentions were diverted as they watched as the final additions were made to the new water pipes to connect the village with a second water source. They were distantly aware of their Padawans walking through the meadow with young Eedna.</p><p>Suddenly, the Force screamed a warning. Qui-Gon spun around and locked eyes on his Padawan and was horrified to see a wall of mud tumbling down the hillside towards his Padawan. The Jafani screamed as they called their children to them and ran from the meadow having enough time to escape the wrath of the mudslide.</p><p>"Qui-Gon the Padawans!" yelled Trass as the blonde Jedi ran towards the Padawans who were closer to the mudslide than anyone else.</p><p><em>OBI-WAN!</em> Qui-Gon screamed down the training bond. His heart was lodged in his throat as he ran towards his Padawan.</p><p>He could only watch in horror as Obi-Wan tucked Eedna against his chest with one arm as he reached his free arm out towards Rialni as he shouted for his friend. Qui-Gon watched as Rialni ran to Obi-Wan and grasped the copper haired Padawan's hand. Just as the wall of mud slammed into them. Trass screamed in horror as he watched as his Padawan was ripped away from Obi-Wan's hold and her brown outer robe was swallowed up in the dark brown mud. Obi-Wan soon disappeared in the mud, clutching Eedna tightly to him as the youngling screamed in terror.</p><p>Trass and Qui-Gon came to a stop and could only watch in stunned silence as the roaring of the mudslide sharply turned into silence as the mudslide came to a stop, no sign of their Padawans anywhere.</p><p>Qui-Gon jumped as his fellow Master screamed and collapsed to his knees griping the sides of his head tightly. Qui-Gon knelt beside his friend and hugged the blonde Jedi to his side tightly, his eyes never straying from the mound of mud with tears in his eyes. He knew what Trass's reaction meant. His training bond told him Obi-Wan had not shared Rialni's fate, but it did tell him he didn't have long to find his Padawan before his child slipped away buried beneath the choking mud.</p></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It was a bit of a struggle to write this chapter, not going to lie, so I hope it turned out okay. I would love to know what you thought about it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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      <p>Obi-Wan exited his Galatic history lesson into the wide corridor of the Temple, he was answering Bant's questions about his meeting with Master Yoda after his latest vision where he was stood with thousands of men all with identical faces. When he heard a derisive snort behind him, Obi-Wan turned and looked up at a fellow junior Padawan, Fendah Keal, he was a human with dark brown hair and grey eyes that always seemed to judge the younger Padawans. Fendah seemed to think because he was almost eighteen, and therefore almost a senior Padawan, that he was better than the younger Padawans.</p>
      <p>"You still run to Master Yoda about your visions like a youngling?" smirked Fendah.</p>
      <p>"So what if I do?" countered Obi-Wan sharply, "Master Yoda is the wisest Jedi in the Order, why shouldn't I discuss my visions with him?" He felt Bant stop beside him and felt her unease in the Force. While Fendah never bullied anyone out right, his sharp comments always left a sting. Fendah also seemed to like to target anyone who was a member of a Councillor's lineage, as he was not, and with both Obi-Wan's great-Grandmaster and Grandmaster being members of the Council, Obi-Wan was a prime target.</p>
      <p>Fendah shrugged with a sharp smile on his face, "well if you think your Master won't mind you never learning to be independent. Carry on always asking for advice." With that Fendah turned and walked towards the refectory with a mocking little wave. Obi-Wan felt his stomach churn, objectively he knew Fendah was only trying to get under his skin, but Obi-Wan had recently thought that he was too dependent on his Master and Masters Yoda and Dooku. The three Masters had been working on raising his self-confidence and it must have been frustrating for them, most Masters and lineage members helped with visions, academic work and lightsaber training. Not a lack of managing emotions and feelings.</p>
      <p>"Obi shall we go and get some lunch?" asked Bant. Obi-Wan turned to see the concern shining in Bant's large eyes.</p>
      <p>He shook his head and forced a smile on his face. "I'm meeting my Master in our quarters for an afternoon of meditating." After waving a goodbye to Bant, Obi-Wan hiked his shoulder bag on his shoulder feeling his datapads gently knocking against his hips. As he walked through the corridors of the Temple, he lost himself in his thoughts and as much as he didn't want to admit Fendah was right, the older Padawan did have a point. He was fourteen now and at this stage of his apprenticeship, after being Qui-Gon's Padawan for two years, he should start to become more independent.</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan entered the quarters he shared with his Master and hung his outer robe and shoulder bag on the coat rack beside the door. He then walked into the kitchen just as his Master was placing their sandwiches on the wooden table. Qui-Gon looked up and smiled at him, "perfect timing Padawan. How were your three lessons this morning?"</p>
      <p>"They were very interesting Master. In Galatic history we were discussing when the Jedi Order first assisted the Republic in negotiating planet entries into the Senate," he commented as he took his usual seat. They chatted about their mornings while they ate their lunch, Obi-Wan soon forgot about his encounter with Fendah as he listened to his Master describe how he and Master Windu were on creche duty and assisted the younglings with paint time. Obi-Wan chuckled as he pictured the stern Master of the Order sat beside a group of younglings painting on flimsi sheets.</p>
      <p>After lunch, the Master and Padawan sat themselves comfortably in the centre of the living space on the meditation mats Qui-Gon must have set out before lunch. As Obi-Wan settled himself on his mat, with his legs crossed and his hands resting on his knees as he closed his eyes. He let himself sink into the depths of the Force and let it guide him. He drifted aimlessly in the Force feeling calm and relaxed, when suddenly he heard himself call out for his friend Padawan Rialni Agdix, the urgency of his voice made him feel like he was on a mission. He heard Rialni scream his name as he felt something knock into him, stealing away his breath, he felt someone clutch onto his robes as the young voice screamed in terror. Suddenly, his vision was filled with a murky brown and he couldn't draw enough air into his lungs.</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan gasped as his eyes flew open, as he panted, trying to draw enough air into his lungs, his gaze skittered around the room. Taking in the familiar presence of his Master and their belongings scattered around the living space. He looked across at his Master and noticed the tell-tale signs of his Master drawing out of his own meditation. Obi-Wan hastily composed himself and tightly shielded any traces of his vision, so as to not let his Master catch a glimpse.</p>
      <p>As the two of them completed their late afternoon tasks, Obi-Wan found his thoughts straying to his vision while he attempted to complete some homework. It was confusing, it wasn't normal for his visions to only be sound based until the last seconds, and even then, his vision was filled with a murky brown colour, not faces or a landscape. He decided to put the vision to the back of his mind for future consideration if he had it again. Also, it was confusing that his friend Rialni's voice had been in the vision, when on missions, if another Jedi joined them, it was always a Master and their Padawan who were diplomats like himself and his Master. Rialni and her Master were Jedi who worked on humanitarian missions.</p>
      <p>Over the next week, the vision did not appear again and Obi-Wan almost forgot about it as he prepared for his Galatic history exam. Once the exam had been completed and he treated himself by getting an early night, much to his Master's amusement. His sleep was disturbed that night by the same vision that contained Rialni screaming his name and him being unable to breathe. The next morning, he sluggishly entered the kitchen and heavily sat on his chair, instead of reaching for the cup of tea his Master had already poured for him, he just stared at it. The brown colour of the tea was unnervingly close to the murky brown from his vision that prevented him from breathing.</p>
      <p>He jumped when a hand came to rest on his shoulder and squeezed. Obi-Wan looked up into his Master's midnight blue eyes, his Master frowned at him in concern. "Obi-Wan? Did you have a vision while you slept?"</p>
      <p>Seeing no point in lying to his Master, Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes Master," he mumbled tiredly as he rubbed his eyes with his hand. Whenever he had visions in his sleep, they always left him feeling tired.</p>
      <p>"Would you like to discuss it with me? Or shall I comm Master Yoda?" asked Qui-Gon as he sat in the chair beside Obi-Wan's, his hand already reaching for his comm link.</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan was about to nod, when he remembered Fendah's taunting words and his own resolve to become more independent. "No thank you Master, I'm alright."</p>
      <p>His Master appeared shocked for a moment, before the surprise on his face was hidden away. His Master smiled and nodded, "if you are sure Padawan." Obi-Wan just smiled and nodded, it was time to evaluate his visions on his own. He also felt that he was more than capable to dissect his vision alone, he had been given enough advice from Master Yoda over the years since his first vision when he was four years old.</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan felt confident in his decision, until later in the day when his Master informed him, they would be going on a mission with Rialni and her Master the next day. Terror gripped him and he very nearly confessed about his vision to his Master, but he didn't want to go running to his Master like a youngling. So, instead he discussed his vision with Rialni when they were on the ship on their way to Jafan. It helped discussing his vision with Rialni, she was much like him and they came to the conclusion that the murky brown of his vision seemed most likely to be something natural and Jafan was a planet that had suffered natural disasters before. So, they decided to stick close to each other and keep watch for any signs of a natural disaster. This way Obi-Wan still felt independent, but also, as Rialni featured in his vision, he felt they would both be prepared for what potentially could happen.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>Obi-Wan laughed as he and Rialni joined the local Jafani younglings as they ran around the meadow. He noticed Rialni was keeping a careful watch over the youngest of the group as they were not taller than the long wispy grass and could get lost amongst the grass. Feeling a small tug on his hand, Obi-Wan looked down at the youngling who had become attached to him over the past three days. Eenda clutched his outer robe with her free webbed hand and pushed herself against his side. Obi-Wan knelt down so he was at eye level with Eenda, her aquamarine eyes flickering between him and the other Jafani younglings nervously.</p>
      <p>"Do you want to join the game Eenda?" he asked softly as he rested his hand on Eenda's hairless head.</p>
      <p>Eenda shook her head and if it was possible pressed herself against his side even more as she rested her head on his shoulder. Rialni smiled as she walked over to them, obviously noticing Eenda's nervousness with the other younglings running around and screeching as they played together.</p>
      <p>Rialni knelt beside him and smiled at Eenda, her green eyes squinting a little as she smiled. The other Padawan held out a purple flower with wide petals making the flower almost as big as the palm of his hand. Rialni held it out to Eenda and the young Jafani took it carefully from her with a smile and then using the long stem, Eenda tied the flower around her wrist. The young Jafani looked around her and then grinned as she picked a similar flower to the one Rialni gifted to her, expect this one was blue, the colour almost matching her skin tone. Eenda held the flower out to Rialni, but then frowned slightly as she noticed the short stem, meaning Rialni wouldn't be able to tie it around her wrist.</p>
      <p>Rialni took the flower with a grin and pushed it into her hair, just above the top of her Padawan braid on the right side of her head. "Thank you so much Eenda," she smiled. Rialni then turned to Obi-Wan, "looks like you're the odd one out Obi-Wan."</p>
      <p>Just as he was about to say that he did not need a flower thank you, Eenda had picked another blue flower and began to gently push it into his hair, in the same place Rialni had placed hers. "It matches your eyes," Eenda said softly.</p>
      <p>"Thank you for the flower," he said as he smiled at Eenda, causing the young Jafani to beam in pleasure.</p>
      <p>Rilani coughed into her hand, "softie."</p>
      <p>Without looking at his fellow Padawan, Obi-Wan shoved her, causing Rialni to fall onto her right side. Eenda giggled at the antics of the Padawans, she then held out a hand to Rialni, while her other was still clutched onto Obi-Wan's robe. "Can I show you my favourite place in the meadow?" she asked shyly.</p>
      <p>"Of course, you can!" Obi-Wan responded eagerly, he pushed himself to his feet as he helped steady Rialni with a slight use of the Force.</p>
      <p>"Lead the way!" exclaimed Rialni with her usual wide grin plastered on her face.</p>
      <p>The three of them ambled across the meadow, with Eenda pressed against him, Obi-Wan could feel her relax the further they got from the other excitable younglings. At first, he and Rilani had been worried that Eenda did not have any friends in her village, but after they sat and talked with Eenda on their second night at the village they discovered she had lots of friends, she just didn't like playing with her friends when they were being loud. The two Padawans had been relieved at this, the thought of the sweet youngling having no friends was something they didn't want to think about. And with a best friend like Quinlan Vos, Obi-Wan definitely understood wanting some quiet time away from loud friends.</p>
      <p>As they walked further away from the village and playing younglings, Obi-Wan felt his Master's amusement down the training bond and just sent a wave of contentment back towards his Master. This really was a great mission to be on. For a change there were no stuffy politicians, no one firing blasters at them and no grieving beings to comfort. They were checking on the success of Jafan's healing process and the mission had left him with a smile on his face. His Master also seemed to feel light hearted, this mission probably brimming with the strength of the Living Force, something that always left his Master feeling happy.</p>
      <p>"Here!" exclaimed Eedna, as she pointed one of her webbed fingers towards a tall tree, that cast a wide dark shadow of shade over the edge of the meadow. "I can climb a tree if I want, or I can just sit in the shade and watch the clouds," said Eedna.</p>
      <p>Rialni stepped away from them and stared up at the tree with a smile on her face and then she turned back to Eedna, the sun shining down on her black hair, the blue flower standing out against the darkness of her hair. Suddenly, Obi-Wan heard an almighty roar just as the Force screamed a warning. Rialni's green eyes widened in shock, no doubt feeling the same warning. They heard Jafani parents screaming for their children just as Obi-Wan turned to his left and saw a wall of mud tumbling down the nearest hill, heading straight for them. His throat tightened, he knew what was about to happen, he had already seen it in his vision.</p>
      <p><em>OBI-WAN!</em> His Master screamed down their bond.</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan didn't respond, there was no time to do anything, so he clutched Eedna tightly against him, feeling the youngling shake in terror against him. He outstretched his free arm towards his friend, "<em>Rialni!</em>"</p>
      <p>Rialni ran towards him and just as she grasped onto his hand, the wall of mud slammed into them. As tightly as Obi-Wan tried to keep hold of his friend, Rialni was ripped away from him with a terrified shout of his name, "<em>Obi-Wan!</em>"</p>
      <p>As the wall of mud consumed him, he heard Eedna scream in terror. He wrapped himself around the youngling tighter, his own painfilled cry drowned out by the roar of the mudslide, just as it made something in his arm, the one he had grasped onto Rialni with, crack. Obi-Wan panicked as, just like in his vision, he was unable to draw enough air into his lungs.</p>
      <p>Then he knew nothing but darkness.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>Qui-Gon knew, from the time the mudslide buried his Padawan to when Obi-Wan and Eedna were dug out of the mud, was only fifteen minutes. However, to him it felt like many hours had passed. He used his training bond with his Padawan to track where the mudslide had dragged his Padawan. After locating Obi-Wan, the villagers helped him to dig Obi-Wan and Eedna out, some with their bare hands. The two children were in the process of being placed on stretchers, their faces covered in mud and cuts. It seemed Obi-Wan had been able to protect Eedna from the worst of the mudslide, the youngling's aquamarine eyes flickering open as her parents cried in relief as they knelt beside her stretcher. Between their sobs, Eedna's parents thanked Qui-Gon for his Padawan's actions. While Qui-Gon was thankful for Eedna's safety, he wondered about the cost to Obi-Wan that ensured her safety.</p>
      <p>Qui-Gon knelt beside his Padawan's head and hastily opened his Padawan's mouth to scoop out the mud that was clogging his Padawan's airway. He breathed a sigh of relief as he heard Obi-Wan cough as he gasped in a steady breath, still unconscious. His gaze scanned his Padawan, noting every injury that wasn't covered up with mud. One of Obi-Wan's arms was bent in an unnatural angle and it appeared he had suffered an injury to his left hip, probably from the force of the mudslide hitting him.</p>
      <p>From the corner of his eye he watched as Trass located his own Padawan in the debris of the mudslide, he flinched hearing the guttural cry of grief that ripped its way from Trass's throat as Trass lifted the mud-covered body of Rialni out of the depths of the mud. Trass carried Rilani towards the group, his brown eyes wide in shocked grief as tears streamed down the face of the usually composed Jedi Master. Qui-Gon watched as Trass refused the help of the Jafani and clutched Rialni closer to his chest, her black hair turned brown as it was covered in clumps of murky brown mud.</p>
      <p>Qui-Gon closed his eyes and looked back down at the unconscious form of his own Padawan, he absentmindedly brushed his thumb across Obi-Wan's cheek, smudging the mud that appeared to be hiding small cuts littered across his Padawan's cheek. He then reached out and grasped Obi-Wan's Padawan braid, he stroked down the braid, pulling clumps of mud off the braid knowing how proud Obi-Wan was of his braid and its beads. Qui-Gon looked back up and watched as Trass's robe flittered in the breeze as he carried Rialni towards the village's medical building, the Padawan's mud covered legs swaying limply. As Obi-Wan's stretcher was lifted up, Qui-Gon gently clutched Obi-Wan's hand, he was beyond grateful to the Force for sparing his Padawan but he wondered how he was going to be able to look Trass in the eye. One Padawan had been saved, but another had been lost before her time.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>The first thing Obi-Wan was aware of was that he could breathe properly. The next thing he was aware of was pain. His right arm between his wrist and elbow hurt badly, but the worst pain came from his left hip. He groaned in pain and tried to open his eyes but they felt heavy and he almost let himself sink back into unconsciousness where the pain would fade away. Then he felt a wave of concern from his training bond, the same time a caring hand was placed on his forehead. Fighting against the pull of unconsciousness, Obi-Wan struggled to open his eyes, he blinked and then flinched at the bright light and white ceiling. Suddenly, the hand on his forehead was placed over his eyes and he heard the deep voice of his Master ask to dim the lights.</p>
      <p>When the hand was moved back to his forehead, Obi-Wan re-opened his eyes and blinked until his eyesight cleared so he was looking up at the worried face of his Master. Qui-Gon's hair looked unkept and usually smiling face was creased by a frown.</p>
      <p>"M'st'r…" he slurred. He swallowed and tried to find the strength to speak again, but his throat felt raw and it hurt just to breathe.</p>
      <p>"Easy Padawan," soothed Qui-Gon as he ran a hand through Obi-Wan's hair. "The Healers are about to sedate you and place you in a bacta tank."</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan tried to nod in understanding, but his Master's hand that rested on the top of his head prevented him from doing so. He then remembered what happened in a flash, recalling Eedna's terrified scream and Rialni calling his name. With his throat still hurting, Obi-Wan turned to his bond with his Master. <em>What happened to Eedna and Rialni?</em></p>
      <p>His Master leaned closer to him, his elbows resting on the edge of the medical bed. "Eedna is considered a miracle in the village thanks to you. Your actions saved her from serious injuries. She is just in shock and has cuts and bruises. She is being kept in the medical building for observations. You are considered a hero Padawan mine." Obi-Wan felt himself blush at the praise and noted his Master's amusement at his reaction, then Obi-Wan felt his throat tighten seeing the amusement drain away from his Master's face. The midnight eyes above him shinned with sadness and Obi-Wan knew what was coming, oh by the Force did he wish he was wrong. He felt his own eyes begin to fill with tears as his Master began to speak. "I'm very sorry Padawan…but Rialni died in the mudslide."</p>
      <p>Obi-Wan flinched in pain as his body jolted as a sob ripped itself from his throat. It couldn't be true, it couldn't. He and Rialni were being careful after his vision. This wasn't supposed to happen. <em>It's my fault, it's all my fault</em>.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>Qui-Gon's heart broke as he heard his Padawan's grief-stricken words through their training bond. <em>It's my fault, it's all my fault</em>. Unable to listen to his Padawan's sobs and grief-stricken words, Qui-Gon pushed a sleep suggestion down their training bond. Very quickly he watched as Obi-Wan's eyes slipped closed and with a shaky hand he wiped away the tears from his Padawan's face. Sensing one of the Jafani Healers at the doorway of the private room Obi-Wan had been placed in, with a bacta tank ready in the corner of the room. Qui-Gon cupped Obi-Wan's cheek and brushed his thumb under his Padawan's eye, he then stepped back and let the Healer sedate Obi-Wan and place a breathing mask over his face.</p>
      <p>Watching as his young Padawan was placed into the bacta tank, Qui-Gon was worried about his Padawan. His words of grief suggested more than just grief-stricken words at the loss of a friend, they were filled with guilt. He took a deep breath and not for the first time since he had uncovered his Padawan from the thick mud, he wondered what the mudslide had cost his Padawan. He had seen many beings over the years suffer from survivor's guilt, he had hoped his Padawan would be spared the experience. His Padawan was always kind and caring towards other beings, he was self- sacrificing in his protection of others and he always felt preserved failures deeply.</p>
      <p>Qui-Gon swallowed back tears as he sat heavily in a chair in front of the bacta tank and watched as his Padawan swayed in the blue liquid. He looked up at his Padawan's face and wondered about the effects of the mudslide. Obi-Wan's body had been pulled from the mud, but had his mind? Seeing and feeling Obi-Wan's grief and guilt over Rialni's death made Qui-Gon fear that he still had much to do to save his Padawan beyond healing wounds.</p>
      <p>His Padawan's terrifying words echoed in his mind. <em>It's my fault, it's all my fault</em>.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Obi-Wan is suffering from survivor's guilt, PTSD and depression, even if these are not outright mentioned, so if these trigger you it will be best not to read this chapter.</p><p> I hope you enjoy this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Obi-Wan felt nothing, he just felt numb. It had been four days since he had been taken out of the bacta tank on Jafan and during the one-day journey through hyperspace back to the Temple, he had kept himself to the quarters he and his Master shared. Master Windu himself had travelled to Jafan to help pilot their ship back to the Temple, due to Master Thyban's grief and keeping vigil beside the stretcher that Rialni had been placed on. Her and Master Thyban's robes wrapped tightly around her, covering her body and face from view. Obi-Wan had laid on his bed in his quarters, not once leaving his bed, let alone the room, he couldn't bring himself to face Master Thyban. He knew he was the reason why the Master had lost his Padawan, if he had only been more careful and spoke to his Master rather than try to be independent, Rialni would have still been alive.</p><p>Once their ship docked in the Temple's hanger and his Master had entered their quarters to tell him. Obi-Wan pushed himself to his feet with a grimace. While his injuries had been mostly healed, he had been informed by the Jafani Healers that he would still need to take time to allow his left hip to fully heal, the injury at this point was a constant dull ache. His Master guided him to his side with an outstretched hand, which then rested on his shoulder. Usually Obi-Wan would lean into his Master's presence, but found himself unable to as they walked into the common area of the ship. Obi-Wan came to a sudden stop and swallowed back tears as he watched as Masters Windu and Thyban began to guide the stretcher Rialni was placed on out of the ship and down the ramp. Master Thyban's brown eyes were glazed over with grief and his usually bright, perfectly styled blonde hair was dim and a mess, as if the Master had been constantly running a hand through his hair. The Master's grief was heavy in the Force and once again Obi-Wan condemned himself for not trying hard enough to prevent Rialni's death.</p><p>Obi-Wan walked stiffly beside his Master as they walked down the ship's ramp, the downward angle of the ramp causing pain to shoot through his hip with every step he took. His gaze flickered over the gathered crowd in the hanger. The crowd mostly contained Padawans who shared lessons with him and Rialni, his best friends were there trying to capture his attention, the Council headed by a grieving Master Yoda was there, Rialni's older brother-Padawan and sister-Padawan were there, their eyes wide in grief and finally, stood beside Master Dooku was his old Creche Master, Master Jasal.</p><p>Once he reached the bottom of the ramp, Obi-Wan found himself jerking to a stop when Master Jasal and his Grandmaster were suddenly standing in front of him. Master Dooku rested a gentle hand on his free shoulder, "I am so glad to see you Grandpadawan." Master Dooku's voice was rough, as if he was holding back tears. Obi-Wan just nodded once, he had found himself unable to talk since being taken out of the bacta tank, he knew he was worrying his Master, but he just found himself unable to care. Who cared if he couldn't talk? At least he was alive, unlike Rialni. If he had spoken to his Master when he had the chance, Rialni's life might have been saved.</p><p>"Obi-Wan."</p><p>He turned his gaze to Master Jasal, the elderly Jedi's face was lined with sadness which seemed to deepen the wrinkles on his face. The emerald eyes did not shine with humour like they normally did, but kindness and care were clearly reflected in the wise eyes. The old Master held out his arms to his sides and without hesitation Obi-Wan pulled his shoulders free from his Master's and Grandmaster's holds and flung himself forward into the arms of his old Creche Master. Master Jasal's arms tightened around him and he buried his face into the worn brown robe, just as he used to when he was a youngling, his hands gripping the old robe tightly. A hand was rubbed up and down his back as Master Jasal rested his chin on Obi-Wan's head and murmured soothing words into his hair. Through the slightly faded care bond, a bond all Creche Masters had with their youngling charges, Obi-Wan felt love and protection envelop him just as tightly as the arms around his body.</p><p>"Obi-Wan?" he flinched hearing Bant's soft voice. Through the Force he felt Bant, Quinlan, Reeft and Garen all standing close to him, but he wasn't ready to face his friends. He was already the cause of the death of one of his friends, the thought that one day he could lead another friend to their death broke another part of him. In response he burrowed closer to Master Jasal, hiding his face from view.</p><p>"Why don't you return to your quarters young ones? Obi-Wan needs time to recover," stated Master Jasal, his words making his chest vibrate.</p><p>"Come on, let's leave Obi in peace," murmured Reeft. Obi-Wan felt the presences of his friends fade away as they left the hanger. A part of him felt guilty for ignoring them, but he felt it was better for his friends to never be near him again. It might just save their lives one day to never be close to him again.</p><p>"Obi-Wan, are you ready to return to our quarters?" his Master asked from behind him. Obi-Wan just remained pressed against Master Jasal, the thought of walking through the corridors of the Temple filling him with dread. Just the thought of his fellow Jedi looking at him and knowing he was the reason why a Padawan was lost, broke through the numbness that he had been feeling for four days.</p><p>"I've got you little spark," murmured Master Jasal, the old nickname the Master called him due to his copper hair, brought unshed tears to his eyes. Obi-Wan felt the Force surge around him and the next thing he knew, Master Jasal moved him so Obi-Wan's arms were wrapped around the old Master's neck as his old Creche Master began to carry him out of the hanger. Normally Obi-Wan would have shied away from being carried like a youngling in the creche through the Temple, but because of the numbness that had spread throughout his body, he found that he didn't care what anyone thought. As he buried his face in the crook of Master Jasal's shoulder, he peaked his eyes over the old Master's shoulder and observed his Master and Grandmaster walking behind them. Master Qui-Gon's face was creased in worry and he seemed to be drawing strength from the hand Master Dooku had rested on his shoulder. Obi-Wan looked away from his Master and Grandmaster and burrowed his face into Master Jasal's shoulder once again.</p><p>Soon enough they reached the quarters he shared with Master Qui-Gon, he sensed his Master unlocking the door and then he felt Master Jasal carrying him into the living space. He frowned in confusion sensing another presence in the room, he lifted his face away from the safe space that was the crook of Master Jasal's neck, and found his older brother-Padawan Feemor stood next to the low coffee table.</p><p>"Hello there, little brother," greeted Feemor with a sad smile. Obi-Wan gently wriggled free of Master Jasal's grasp and ignoring the jolt of pain from his hip once he landed on his feet, he rushed forward and threw himself at Feemor. The blonde-haired Knight only reacted by hugging Obi-Wan to him tightly. "I'm here little brother, I'm here." Obi-Wan began to feel himself shake in response, he sensed Feemor took this to suggest his injury was sapping his strength and hurriedly moved them to the sofa. In reality, Obi-Wan was shaking because he was raked with guilt. He was the cause of Rialni's death, so why should he get to receive comfort from his lineage and former Creche Master. He didn't deserve it.</p><hr/><p>Qui-Gon stood at the edge of his living space watching as Feemor gripped Obi-Wan tightly. It appeared his first Padawan was reassuring himself that his brother-Padawan was still alive. He noticed Feemor's sorrow filled blue eyes staring down at Obi-Wan's head, the young Padawan hiding his face away in Feemor's outer robe. A part of Qui-Gon felt guilty at the slight relief he felt at Obi-Wan hiding his face away. He didn't know how much longer he could bear to look at the ocean blue eyes that normally shined with humour or stubbornness, just staring back at him blankly. It was as if Obi-Wan's very soul had been sucked away.</p><p>As he observed his Padawans, Obi-Wan slipped into an exhausted sleep slumped in Feemor's arms. Qui-Gon prayed to the Force that his young Padawan would sleep peacefully this time, in the past four days Obi-Wan had been suffering from nightmares. Leaving him with dark circles under his eyes and his skin very pale, looking nothing like the bright child he normally was.</p><p>Feemor stretched himself out on the sofa and settled Obi-Wan against his side and began running a hand through Obi-Wan's spiky hair. Seeing how relaxed Obi-Wan was in the arms of his brother-Padawan and recalling how Obi-Wan had flung himself into Master Jasal's arms and leaned into Dooku's hand. Qui-Gon questioned if he had done something wrong, in the past four days Obi-Wan had shied away from his presence.</p><p>During Obi-Wan's nightmares, what he saw would seep through his shields and down their training bond, allowing Qui-Gon a glimpse of what Obi-Wan saw in his vision. He also got the sense Obi-Wan had wanted to be more independent in determining what his vision meant. So, Qui-Gon was blaming himself for Rialni's death, perhaps if he was stronger in the Unifying Force Obi-Wan would have felt more comfortable with discussing his vision with him.</p><p>As Obi-Wan shied away from him, Qui-Gon had to wonder. Did Obi-Wan blame him as well? As Obi-Wan's Master, did he betray his Padawan's trust in not forcing the issue of discussing his vision? Was his young Padawan haunted by the mudslide because of Qui-Gon's inaction?</p><hr/><p>The days since his return to the Temple all bled together. Obi-Wan thought it had been two weeks since his return, but he couldn't be sure. He knew he had attended Rialni's funeral and that had been its own special brand of pain. Seeing the gathered Padawans, Knights and Masters, Obi-Wan had avoided the eyes of all gathered, he couldn't bear to see the blame reflected in their eyes. It would be what he deserved but like a coward he looked away from the many judgements that rightfully should be placed at his feet. He was the reason why they were all gathered for Rialni's funeral. Obi-Wan stared at the pyre and observed that the mud had been cleaned from his friend's skin and hair. Rialni's face looked peaceful, as if she was sleeping, no trace of the panic she felt in her final moments were present on her pale face. Her bright green eyes were closed, never to open and shine with laughter again. Once the pyre was lit, he watched as the yellow and orange flames caused lights to dance across Rialni's black hair. The way the lights of the flames danced was almost beautiful, but he couldn't find beauty in the sight, the sight was only there because he failed to protect his friend. Rialni was lying on pyre, her Padawan braid still attached to her head, she would never be Knighted, all because of him.</p><p>He had expected Master Thyban to blame him, in a way that would have been easier, but instead Master Thyban, with his dull brown eyes, had invited him to be present when Rialni's blue bladed lightsaber was placed in the Hall of Remembrance. Only those close to the fallen Jedi were invited to the short ceremony of placing a lightsaber in the Hall and Obi-Wan had been shocked to be invited. Rialni's sibling-Padawans welcomed him to the short ceremony with small, kind smiles, leaving Obi-Wan unsure of himself. They shouldn't be welcoming him, he was to blame for Rialni's death, why was no one outright blaming him?</p><p>He would have been stunned into silence if he hadn't already lost his ability to talk.</p><p>In the days since Rialni's funeral, Master Qui-Gon had been trying to draw him into conversations, but Obi-Wan just could not force any words out of his mouth. He spent most of his time just lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling of his room. He was aware of Feemor, Master Dooku, Master Yoda and Master Jasal coming and sitting on the edge of his bed to talk to him, but he never answered them. He ignored all prompts from his friends through the friendship bonds he had with his best friends. He only ate because his Master would carry food on a tray into his room and corral him into eating. Food tasted like ashes in his mouth and he was only able to force himself to eat about half of his normal portion. He knew he was worrying his Master, but he just couldn't find it in himself to care.</p><hr/><p>It had been a month since Rialni's funeral and Qui-Gon was worried. Obi-Wan still had not said a word to anyone, their training bond was scarily quiet and Obi-Wan had only just started to emerge from his bedroom, but only to lie on the sofa and continue to stare blankly at the ceiling. Qui-Gon despaired, unsure what he could do. His Padawan was looking more and more like a ghost with every day that past. His skin was sickly pale, his blue eyes seemed to have had all life drained out of them, with dark circles a permanent fixture below them and every day Obi-Wan lost weight. Qui-Gon could only watch as his Padawan forced himself to eat, but he never ate a full portion.</p><p>He had tried to get Obi-Wan to talk to a mind Healer, but his Padawan didn't say a word, he didn't even show any awareness that the mind Healer was there. It continued day in day out. It had gotten to the point that Feemor reduced his visits from three times a day to four times a week, unable to witness the sight of his brother-Padawan wasting away before his eyes.</p><p>Dooku would visit each day and sit on the sofa, placing Obi-Wan's feet on his lap, and would read to the Padawan. The books Dooku were reading were all from a series Obi-Wan and Dooku both enjoyed. It was clear Obi-Wan's lack of reactions were getting to the usually stern Dooku. It was a well-known fact in their lineage and in the Council that Dooku had a soft spot for Obi-Wan. So, it was very clear that Dooku was struggling seeing Obi-Wan just waste away.</p><p>Reeft, Garen and Bant all would leave the quarters with tears shining in their eyes, unsure what they could do to just get Obi-Wan to <em>talk </em>to them. Quinlan obviously struggled with not knowing what to do, a few times Qui-Gon had observed the Padawan just holding himself back from shaking Obi-Wan's shoulders. Like Feemor, Quinlan's visits decreased, Qui-Gon heard from Mace that Quinlan had been seen training harder in the salles, his despair seeping into the Force.</p><p>Qui-Gon and Yoda once tried to gently push through Obi-Wan's shields, just to show the Padawan he was safe. But they were forcefully pushed back. As Obi-Wan's shields tightened, Qui-Gon got a fleeting glance at Obi-Wan's thoughts. The same haunting words from the aftermath of the mudslide. <em>It's my fault, it's all my fault</em>.</p><p>Qui-Gon wanted his Padawan to feel comfortable and safe, but he was desperate to breathe life back into his Padawan, and his last resort came at the start of a new term of lessons for Padawans. He signed Obi-Wan up for a reduced timetable. Padawans, when in Temple, typically had six lessons a day, five days a week, unless Masters had certain mornings or afternoons booked for meditation or lightsaber training. So, Qui-Gon signed Obi-Wan up for one lesson every afternoon. When he informed Obi-Wan of this, he felt like the worst Master in existence.</p><p>For the first time in a month, Obi-Wan moved from the sofa with a small spark of life in his ocean blue eyes. He sat up and stared at Qui-Gon, his eyes wide in barely concealed panic. Qui-Gon would have rejoiced at hearing his Padawan speak for the first time in a month, but being the cause of such desperate words broke his heart.</p><p>Obi-Wan was shaking his head, his shoulders hunched forward as his hands gripped the edge of the sofa in a white knuckled grip. "Please Master…I…I can't…" croaked Obi-Wan, his voice a hoarse whisper after a month of not speaking a word.</p><p>Slowly, Qui-Gon got to his feet from his armchair and crossed the living space, he knelt at his Padawan's feet and rested a comforting hand on Obi-Wan's knee. "I am sorry Padawan, but you need to start easing back into training." He wanted to add that it hurt to see Obi-Wan wasting away, but he sensed he needed to be firm. Kind, but firm.</p><p>Obi-Wan flinched, but then after a moment's pause, he straightened his back and titled his head up to meet Qui-Gon's gaze steadily. "Yes Master," responded flatly, every inch the perfect Padawan. And Qui-Gon hated the sight. His Padawan, while to all outside observers was the perceived 'perfect Padawan', inside their quarters Obi-Wan was everything but. He snarked, he sassed, he teased his Master about his grey hair, he mimicked Yoda to the old Master's face and he plotted pranks with his friends.</p><p>While getting Obi-Wan to step outside their quarters was a step forward. Qui-Gon couldn't help but feel that he was betraying his Padawan by forcing him to go to lessons when he clearly didn't feel ready.</p><hr/><p>Obi-Wan's heart was pounding in his chest. He gripped his shoulder bag tightly as he walked down the corridor of the Temple towards his Outer Rim relations lesson. Through the Force he sensed surprise from the Padawans, Knights and Masters he passed in the corridor, many of them clearly aware of his absence from Temple life. He had not realised he had hidden himself away in their quarters for a month, it was no wonder Master Qui-Gon wanted him out of the way. He cringed thinking about the hassle he must have cause his Master.</p><p>He sucked in deep breaths as he walked towards the classroom, the stares and surprise of his fellow Jedi making his skin prick. He wanted to turn and run back to his quarters, but he had to start acting like a Padawan again. His Master said as much, he needed to return to training.</p><p>Part of him was relieved that he sensed his Master following him down the corridor, there was a distance between them, his Master was trying not to be obviously following him, but Obi-Wan knew he was. He drew strength from his Master's presence, but he also cursed himself. He should be better by now; it was not the Jedi way to grieve as heavily as he had done for Rialni. But no matter what he told himself, the guilt and grief hung heavy on him, weighing him down every second of every day. His sleep was continuingly disturbed by flashbacks of his vision and the mudslide, he heard Rialni and her Master blame him for her death and worst of all he heard his own Master call him a failure. Rialni screaming his name in terror echoed in his mind every day and night.</p><p>As he approached the classroom, he noticed Reeft, Garen and Quinlan stood outside the room chatting. Once Reeft noticed him, the Dressellian's face broke out into a wide grin. "Obi!" Reeft exclaimed in excitement, Garen and Quinlan turned to look at him and then all three of his friends began to walk towards him with smiles on their faces. Obi-Wan felt himself shaking, he didn't feel ready to go to lessons, and he certainly didn't feel ready to talk to his friends. As Reeft approached him, arms wide for a hug. Obi-Wan shrank back with his shoulders hunched forward and stared down at his feet. Reeft stopped in front of him, the toes of his boots just visible at the edge of Obi-Wan's vision. "Obi?" asked Reeft in a soft voice, his shock and disappointment clear in his tone.</p><p>Obi-Wan jumped when he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, but then the being sucked in a sharp breath and Obi-Wan looked up to find Quinlan staring at him in horror. In a second Obi-Wan realised that he had worn his robe during the mudslide and through Quinlan's psychometry his friend was able to see and feel exactly what Obi-Wan had felt. He wrenched himself away from Quinlan's grasp and hurried into the classroom, finding a seat in the back corner and tucked himself in his seat. His chest felt tight as he panicked, wondering just what Quinlan had seen and felt. He knew he had been hurtful by ignoring his friends, but at least they hadn't <em>known</em> what he had done. Now Quinlan knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was the reason why Rialni had died.</p><p>He felt Master Qui-Gon's concern through their bond, <em>are you alright Padawan?</em></p><p><em>I'm fine Master</em>. He sent back shortly, and then he tightened his shields even more. It wouldn't do for his Master to sense how he was failing as a Padawan at something as simple as going to a lesson.</p><p>Throughout his lesson, Obi-Wan managed to avoid answering any questions, although he felt he was being given a free pass from the Master as it was probably well known around the Temple that he had hidden himself away in his quarters for a month. He spent the hour-long lesson staring down at his datapad as he attempted to write notes, all the while ignoring the inquiring looks from Reeft and Garen. He sensed Quinlan nearby, by the Kiffar wasn't trying to gain his attention. Obi-Wan felt tears prick the backs of his eyes, Quinlan must have hated him now. He could see what Obi-Wan had done, or more correctly, hadn't done to save Rialni.</p><p>When the lesson ended, Obi-Wan hurried back to his quarters, not wanting to witness Quinlan telling Reeft and Garen to never speak to Obi-Wan again, for their own safety. He flung open the front door of his quarters and hung up his robe and bag on the coat rack without any trace of his normal care. As he fled into his bedroom, he noticed his Master sat on the sofa reading. At his hurried entrance, Master Qui-Gon lifted his head in surprise and his midnight blue eyes widened in shock, "Padawan?" But Obi-Wan answered his Master with the firm click of his bedroom door closing.</p><p>As Obi-Wan laid face down on his bed, burrowing his face into his pillow in an attempt to stifle his sobs. He wondered how long would it take for everyone he knew to finally have enough with him and cut all ties. It would be what he deserved. Rialni was good, she was kind and she was always eager to help those who needed it. And Obi-Wan's inaction got her killed.</p><hr/><p>Qui-Gon was worried. He had thought a routine would help his Padawan start to heal, but it seemed to have done the opposite. After Obi-Wan's first lesson back and his Padawan's distressed entrance into their quarters, Qui-Gon came to the realisation that he may have pushed Obi-Wan too hard too soon.</p><p>His Padawan had kept himself shut away in his room for the remainder of the afternoon and the evening. Leaving Qui-Gon unsure what he should do, it was clear that Obi-Wan did not feel comfortable going to lessons, but on the other hand, Obi-Wan needed to return to lessons before it became impossible for the fourteen-year-old to ever feel ready to return to lessons. The next morning, when Obi-Wan failed to enter the kitchen for breakfast, Qui-Gon decided to take Obi-Wan's breakfast to his room. Once he slowly entered the small bedroom, Qui-Gon found his Padawan sitting at his desk, facing the wall but staring at nothing. His heart broke seeing the empty look on his Padawan's still too pale face. He placed the bowl he was carrying on the desk and his movement seemed to rouse his Padawan. Obi-Wan looked between him and the bowl, before he haltingly began to spoon his breakfast into his mouth, it seemed to take a lot of effort for Obi-Wan to chew and swallow the food. It wasn't long before Obi-Wan left the spoon in the bowl that still contained most of the portion. Qui-Gon hid his clenched hands in the sleeves of his brown outer robe, he looked down at his too thin Padawan and made a decision.</p><p>"I believe I pushed you too hard yesterday Padawan. So, I will be withdrawing you from the lessons I have signed you up for," he stated. He expected Obi-Wan to slump in relief and at least show some emotion. However, he was surprised when Obi-Wan jolted up from his chair to stand in front of him, swaying slightly as he held onto the back of his chair for support.</p><p>"No Master. Thank you, but I will continue to go to my lessons," Obi-Wan answered in a blank voice.</p><p>"Very well Padawan," replied Qui-Gon levelly. He turned and left his Padawan's bedroom, not wanting his Padawan to see the concern on his face. It was all wrong. Obi-Wan's face and voice were blank of all emotion, the total opposite of what his Padawan was like.</p><p>As Qui-Gon attended to his own tasks in their quarters, he felt Obi-Wan's anxiety in the Force rise the closer the time got to his afternoon lesson. Qui-Gon wondered if Obi-Wan would change his mind about lessons, so before his Padawan left for his afternoon lesson, his robe on, swamping his too thin frame and shoulder bag hoisted on one shoulder, Qui-Gon stood a few steps in front of the door.</p><p>"Padawan, please do not force yourself to go if you do not feel ready," he said. He wanted to hug his Padawan tightly, the dark circles under the usually bright blue eyes seemed a permanent fixture now and Obi-Wan's pale face was just grey all the time. But Obi-Wan stood in front of him stiffly, and so Qui-Gon sensed a hug would be unwelcome.</p><p>"I do feel ready Master," responded Obi-Wan in the same blank voice he only ever used now. He dipped his head towards Qui-Gon and the Master just stood rooted to the spot as Obi-Wan passed around him and out of the front door.</p><p>Qui-Gon hurried towards his bedroom and firmly closed the door before he crossed to his bed and sat down heavily. He covered his face with his hands and he just broke as he sobbed into his hands. It was clear he had pushed his Padawan too hard. His child was hurting and it was all his fault, he couldn't do anything right for his child. Everything he did or didn't do just hurt Obi-Wan. <em>What had he done?</em></p><hr/><p>A week later Obi-Wan had been cleared by the Healers for light katas. Qui-Gon was relieved. Obi-Wan had been struggling to find peace in mediation and as the Padawan always loved lightsaber training, Qui-Gon had been quick to suggest to Obi-Wan that he supplement his meditations with kata work. His heart lightened seeing the brief flicker of interest in the ocean blue eyes of his Padawan. He firmly added that there was to be <em>no</em> aerial movements due to Obi-Wan's hip still needing some time to recover. He just hoped his Padawan would not push himself too hard.</p><hr/><p>On the suggestion of his Master, Obi-Wan had gone to the smallest training salle in the Temple. Hardly anyone came to the salle because of its size so Obi-Wan was able to feel at peace for the first in a long time with no one there to watch him. His footsteps echoed around the salle as he stepped lightly on the wooden floor, sunlight streaming in through the windows. After stretching and leaving his outer robe on the staggered seating on the left side of the salle, he stepped into the centre of the room.</p><p>For the first time in a very long time Obi-Wan felt a semblance of who he had been before the mudslide. He closed his eyes as he performed kata after kata. Even though he felt his arms and legs shake at the strain of muscles not used in a long-time making movements they had not done in just over a month, he felt the corners of his mouth tick up in a slight smile. In the privacy of the salle Obi-Wan began to leap and turn in the air, he ignored the pangs of pain in his left hip as he landed on the wooden floor. Ignoring his pain as he felt joy for the first time since the mission to Jafan.</p><p>Obi-Wan didn't keep track of how long he had been training in the salle, but it must have been hours. As he looked out of the tall windows on the right side of the room, he noticed the sun had begun to set, casting the salle in a gentle orange glow. Sweat ran down his face, he wiped it away with the sleeve of his tunic, as he clipped his lightsaber to his belt, he began to feel the exhaustion in his arms and legs as they shook more violently. He began to walk over to where he left his robe and winced with every step, the pain from his left hip almost causing his left leg to buckle beneath his weight.</p><p>It took him longer than normal to reach his quarters, making him twenty minutes late for dinner. He was fully expecting to be greeted with his Master's disapproval, but the look on his face seemed to halt anything his Master may have said. Master Qui-Gon even looked surprised to see him so relaxed, so for the first time in a long time Obi-Wan smiled properly up at his Master. Despite the aches and pains he was feeling, he was feeling happy and relaxed. Two feelings that felt foreign. Obi-Wan was relieved that he had finally found something that had started to turn him back into a proper Padawan.</p><hr/><p>Obi-Wan had been smiling! Qui-Gon knew he would never forget the sheer relief he felt seeing his child smile for the first time in a long time. He had thought he would never see Obi-Wan smile or be relaxed ever again. Qui-Gon had finally felt himself begin to relax feeling satisfied that he had finally suggested something that actually helped his Padawan.</p><p>However, his relief was short lived. Seeing Obi-Wan wince when he walked, it soon became apparent that Obi-Wan was pushing himself too much in his lightsaber training. He was only supposed to be completing light katas, nothing that would include aerial movements. Qui-Gon hesitated. For the first time in the two years of Obi-Wan's apprenticeship he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to push Obi-Wan back into himself, but at the same time he didn't want Obi-Wan to injure himself further during training. But after Quinlan Vos came and found him with a worried look on his face and confessed that Obi-Wan had been doing katas with aerial movements and his left hip was clearly hurting him, but he didn't stop. Qui-Gon's decision had been made.</p><p>Qui-Gon had been in the Archives when Quinlan found him, along with Dooku and Feemor. His Master and first Padawan had both reacted with concern, their worry for Obi-Wan bleeding into the Force. Just when they thought their youngest lineage member had begun to heal, here was evidence to the contrary.</p><p>"Take me to Obi-Wan Quinlan, and I will have an overdue conversation with my Padawan," he stated with a sigh. Quinlan nodded up at him, and quickly turned on his heel, almost running out of the Archives. As Qui-Gon followed the Kiffar Padawan he sensed both Dooku and Feemor following closely behind him.</p><p>As he entered the smallest training salle, he immediately spotted Bant, Garen and Reeft pleading with Obi-Wan to take a break. Qui-Gon's heart sank when he observed Obi-Wan ignoring his friends, despite the sweat gathered on his forehead and his arms and legs shaking from the strain he was putting on them.</p><p>"Enough Padawan," he heard his voice resonate throughout the salle. He watched as Obi-Wan came to a sudden halt, his arms held above his head. His lightsaber pointing in front of him above his head, casting a blue glow on his copper hair and face. Slowly, Obi-Wan lowered his arms while he deactivated his lightsaber and turned to face the door to the salle. He visibly flinched when he saw his Master and Dooku and Feemor behind Qui-Gon.</p><p>"Master!" exclaimed Obi-Wan in shock, his blue eyes wide as he clipped his lightsaber onto his belt. "I…I was just training like the Healers said I could."</p><p>"The Healers did <em>not</em> approve aerial katas Padawan," Qui-Gon stated firmly. He felt his concern and annoyance at Obi-Wan's lack of self-care mix together. He walked across the salle, dimly aware of Dooku motioning for Obi-Wan's friends to leave the salle. He caught Feemor encouraging Quinlan to leave Obi-Wan with them with a gentle reassurance. As Qui-Gon reached his Padawan, he stared down at his boy, knowing his disapproval was seeping into the Force. Sure enough, Obi-Wan flinched away from him, his gaze directed somewhere over Qui-Gon's shoulder. His child never did well with disapproval, and Qui-Gon hated to put Obi-Wan through the coming lecture, but he would <em>not</em> have his boy continue to hurt himself. "I am disappointed Padawan. You were explicitly told <em>light </em>katas <em>only</em>."</p><p>Obi-Wan's shoulders hunched forward, "I am feeling better Master."</p><p>Qui-Gon frowned and crossed his arms over his chest as he raised one eyebrow. "I can see you shaking Padawan. You over exerted yourself. You will explain why you pushed yourself, <em>now</em>."</p><p>In a fit of defiance, Obi-Wan straightened his back and stared up at Qui-Gon with blank blue eyes. "Meditation didn't help me relax. Completing katas <em>did</em>. You said to find something to calm myself, so I did."</p><p>Qui-Gon reached out and shook Obi-Wan's shoulder. "I said that trusting you would know your limits!" he exclaimed in a moment of frustration. "I expected better of you Obi-Wan."</p><p>Obi-Wan wrenched himself backwards and glared up at Qui-Gon, his eyes shining with what looked like tears. "What does it matter if I'm hurt?! I'm <em>alive,</em> aren't I? Rialni died because of me!"</p><p>Closing his eyes Qui-Gon was suddenly hit with the clear realisation that in the month and a half since the mudslide Obi-Wan had been living with guilt over Rialni's death. Qui-Gon cursed himself for not thinking of it sooner. "What happened was <em>not</em> your fault Obi-Wan." As he reached forward to hug Obi-Wan, to try and offer some comfort to his child. Obi-Wan stepped away from him again.</p><p>"It was my fault!" Obi-Wan cried out, the tears now slowly slipping down his face. "It was my fault! I had a vision and I only discussed it with Rialni and look what happened! Rialni is dead <em>because of me</em>!" Obi-Wan gasped a shaky breath and then added, "it should have been <em>me!</em>"</p><p>Qui-Gon's heart broke and could do nothing as Obi-Wan ran past him, tears streaming down his face as he ran from the salle. Qui-Gon was left staring at the great windows, Obi-Wan's words echoing in his head. How did it get to this point? How did he not <em>see</em> the unfounded guilt Obi-Wan carried?</p><p>"Qui-Gon," he turned at his former Master's words and looked at the solemn look on Dooku's face. "We need to find Obi-Wan."</p><p>Qui-Gon nodded and then using his connection to Obi-Wan he followed his Padawan's Force presence. As he ran through the Temple's corridors, he knew he had to get Obi-Wan to talk to a mind Healer. He couldn't lose his Padawan. If he lost his child it would be the end of him.</p><hr/><p>Obi-Wan felt tears running down his face as he ran past the blurred figures of his Master, Grandmaster and brother-Padawan. He didn't know where he was running, he just knew he needed to <em>run</em>. It was out there now. His Master knew about his vision and how he did nothing, leading to Rialni's death. His Master would see what type of Padawan he ended up with.</p><p>He didn't see where he was going so, he was surprised when he collided with someone, he was just about to fall backwards when a hand shot out and grasped his right arm. As he was gently lowered to the floor, the being he collided with also lowered themselves to the floor with a quiet groan. Obi-Wan looked up and found himself looking into the concerned emerald gaze of Master Jasal.</p><p>"I'm sorry Master!" he sniffled as he attempted to wipe away his tears with the sleeve of his tunic.</p><p>Master Jasal shook his head, he gently batted away Obi-Wan's sleeve and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. "What is the matter little Spark?"</p><p>Obi-Wan swallowed down the sob trying to rise out of his throat. "My Master knows, he knows what type of Padawan I am."</p><p>"And what type is that my little spark?" Master Jasal asked softly, his withered hands resting gently against Obi-Wan's cheeks. He shuffled forward to that their knees were touching as they knelt on the cold marble floor.</p><p>"A horrible Padawan," sniffled Obi-Wan. "I…I had a vision before…before Jafan. I wanted to be more independent…so I only told Rialni…but we were being careful! But…but she died anyway and it's all my fault!"</p><p>"Oh, little spark, that doesn't make it your fault," protested Master Jasal. He pulled Obi-Wan into a tight hug and Obi-Wan burrowed his face into the soft brown robe as a deep sob tore itself from his throat. "You couldn't stop a natural disaster. What happened to Rialni was <em>not</em> your fault."</p><p>"But it was!" sobbed Obi-Wan, he felt his throat tighten as he forced his words out. "I got a vision about it. I heard her scream my name! I should have stopped it!"</p><p>He felt the arms around him tighten and a pair of hands rubbed up and down his back. "We can't change everything, as much as we want to little spark," Master Jasal's voice rumbled deep in his chest as he spoke softly into Obi-Wan's hair. Obi-Wan jumped when he felt another pair of arms encircle him, instantly he recognised his Master.</p><p>"Oh, my brave little Padawan, it wasn't your fault," Qui-Gon murmured. Obi-Wan couldn't see his Master from where he had his face pressed against Master Jasal's chest, but he felt the ghost of his Master's breath against his ear.</p><p>"I'm not brave," Obi-Wan protested, as his sobs quietened. He felt himself gently pulled away from Master Jasal's hold and his head was titled towards his Master. Master Jasal's arms were still wrapped around him loosely, another comforting point of contact as he met his Master's soothing gaze.</p><p>"I know what type of Padawan you are Padawan mine," smiled Qui-Gon. He gently tugged on Obi-Wan's Padawan braid and then cupped the side of his head. "You are my brave Padawan."</p><p>Obi-Wan felt his face crumple and he threw himself into his Master's arms, seeking a comfort he had denied himself since the mudslide. "Master…I'm sorry…" he wasn't sure what he was apologising for, perhaps it was for the distance he put between his Master and himself.</p><p>"Hush child, I will hear no apologies from you," stated Qui-Gon softly, his chin resting on Obi-Wan's head. Obi-Wan burrowed against his Master, he then turned his head and watched as Master Dooku and Master Jasal knelt behind him and also wrapped their arms around him.</p><p>His gaze then landed on Feemor, his brother-Padawan was watching him with a soft smile. Once his eyes met Feemor's own blue ones, he saw his brother-Padawan's eyes light up as he exclaimed, "cuddle pile!" before he was also wrapping his arms around Obi-Wan. For the first time in a long time, a small giggle escaped Obi-Wan's lips as he relaxed into the 'cuddle pile'. Truly feeling like he was able to start healing. He knew he wouldn't be better straight away, but this was definitely the start of the road to healing.</p><p>Hearing a clanking sound, Obi-Wan looked past Feemor's head and found Masters Yoda and Windu smiling at the small group of Jedi kneeling on the floor hugging. "Shall we make room Master Yoda?" asked Obi-Wan.</p><p>Master Yoda grinned as he gripped his cane, "yes young one. Make room you should. Cuddle piles, never to be missed they are."</p><hr/><p>Three months after the event in the training salle, Obi-Wan had finally been discharged by his mind Healer. While he always knew he would feel some grief and guilt over Rialni's death, he could finally admit that the vision was given to him to prepare for the event, not to change it.</p><p>Throughout his time healing, Obi-Wan had been supported by his lineage and friends. They all had their different ways of drawing him out of himself and making him smile. Master Yoda's was to take a walk with him in the Room of a Thousand Fountains, Master Dooku would take him to the Archives where they would find a quiet corner and sit and read together, Feemor would watch trashy holo dramas with him as they added their own commentary (Obi-Wan pretended not to know Master Qui-Gon recorded them). Master Qui-Gon would find weird places in the Temple for them to mediate wanting to surprise their fellow Jedis (the best was in the Council Room where Master Qui-Gon delayed the start of a Council meeting due to the 'sanctity of meditation'), Master Jasal would have him play with the younglings in the creche and his friends would plan and execute pranks with him (bubble bath in the thousand fountains in the Room of a Thousand Fountains seemed to be a favourite for the younglings). The best time Obi-Wan had was when Master Windu would take him to the training salles where the Master of the Order would teach him some of his signature moves (with Master Qui-Gon heckling Master Windu from the side-lines).</p><p>During the three months Master Qui-Gon was by his side every step of the way, something Obi-Wan was incredibly grateful for. However, he knew his Master would have to ease up on the protective mother tooka with injured kitten routine before they were assigned missions again. Something he mentioned to Master Dooku. His Grandmaster had looked down at him and with a small smile (which was practically a grin for the Council member) winked at him with a "leave it with me" comment.</p><p>So, as Obi-Wan was walking back to his quarters he found his path blocked by Masters Dooku and Windu. His Grandmaster gave him a credit stick, "go out and treat yourself to something Grandpadawan. Master Windu will take you out of the Temple for some much-needed time off for you both."</p><p>Obi-Wan frowned, "does Master Qui-Gon know?" he didn't think so. There was no way his protective Master would let him out of his sight outside of the Temple right now.</p><p>Master Dooku smirked, "Feemor is handling the distraction right now. You don't have time to waste."</p><p>Master Windu grinned and gestured towards the main entrance of the Temple which was ahead of them a few hundred metres behind where Obi-Wan stood. "Shall we Padawan?"</p><p>Obi-Wan nodded with his own matching grin, but they hadn't walked far when there was a commotion behind them. "Master! Where are you sending Obi-Wan off to?! And, <em>where</em> is he?"</p><p>"Oh, do stop your dramatics Qui-Gon. Mace is perfectly capable of looking after Obi-Wan," came Master Dooku's deadpan voice.</p><p>Master Windu looked down at him and said with a deadpan look. "I suggest we run for it Padawan. We don't want your Master hijacking our trip out. He would only drag us to a plant shop."</p><p>Obi-Wan chuckled and nodded in agreement. Before he could ask Master Windu how exactly he planned for them to escape, his unasked question was answered when Master Windu picked him up and began running down the corridor as he carried Obi-Wan.</p><p>"Mace!" yelled Master Qui-Gon from behind them. "Put my Padawan down this instance!"</p><p>"You are not invited!" called Master Windu over his shoulder. Causing Obi-Wan to out-right cackle at the shocked looks they were gaining from the Jedi they were passing in their escape out of the Temple.</p><p>"Mace!" shouted Master Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan peaked over his shoulder and spotted his Master also running down the corridor.</p><p>Feemor was stood by Master Dooku and cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted down the corridor. "Leg it Master Windu!"</p><p>As Master Windu skidded to a halt at the entrance door, he set Obi-Wan back on his feet. They both spotted Master Yoda stood at the door and bowed to him. Master Yoda just guested outside, "enjoy your day you should, handle Qui-Gon I will. Overdramatic he always is."</p><p>Obi-Wan laughed as he followed Master Windu out of the massive doors and out into the sunlight. He titled his head up to soak in the sunlight. Finally, at peace with himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I only learnt of Feemor's existence last week and I wasn't going to add him into this verse as he is not mentioned in my other stories. But he demanded to be included. As he is not in the stories set after the Clone Wars, I will take suggestions. Does poor Feemor meet a tragic end before or during the Clone Wars? Or does he just pop up healthy and happy in the later stories?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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